Write or Die


Today I Writed or Died.  Is that the worst misuse of grammar you’ve ever seen?  No.  What I wrote was.  Check this out (there will be typos, I haven’t corrected/edited it):

Once upon a time there was a little girl.  She was born with black hair, then it went blonde and then it went mousey.  This really pissed her off so since the age of about 11 she started dying it.  First with those wash in wash out things and then more permanently.  Mostly red and then got more adventurous and dyed it black in her goth days and then pillar box red and pink and she loved having pink hair but she left her job and had to get another job and didn’t think anyone would employ her with pink hair so she just kind of left it and dyed it more normal colours out of boxes bought in Boots and places like that and then she got a job where she couldn’t even wear her nose ring and so that went and slowly over the years she started looking more and more normal and even started wearing blue jeans when once she thought that only chavs or whatever chavs were called in the 80s and 90s wore and she even started wearing white clothes for fucks sake and now she doesn’t have a proper job and she could dye her hair pink again if she wanted to but doesn’t want to look like mutton although Claire still has pink hair and doesn’t look like mutton at all and now she doesn’t know what to do with her hair but doesn’t think she’ll dye it pink again as she is approaching 40 and approaching it very rapidly, in fact just under three months, eek and when she’s 40 that is like proper old (sorry people who have just turned or are just about to turn 40) and maybe she’ll have to get a proper job again and stop pretending to be a web designer and maybe one day she’ll be a famous writer but she will probably have to start using punctuation like full stops and things.  Like that one and maybe some commas too, although she doesn’t really have a problem with commas but the lady on A174 kept faulting her use of commas and she was a self-professed grammar nazi but I only found her annoying really and now I’ve changed tense or person or narrative or something and I should know what it’s called as we learnt it in A174 and now I’m going to be doing A215 which is the next step up from A215 and I’m going to have to learn punctuation before I get pulled up on it by the grammar nazis again but I’m very excited about starting it and it starts next Saturday and the Saturday after that is the first tutorial and I have to go to Tunbridge Wells which apparently has good shopping and I did ask Shaun to come down after and we can go out and he said yes but then he remembered that he has the Royal Parks Half Marathon the next day and I should be doing that half but I’ve done fuck all training so am going to stay in bed instead and get the train down to London and meet him after the finish and meet up with Leighsa too and then we’re going to get pizza.  Pizza is my number one favourite food.  With mushrooms, chili, olives (but only on my half,  Shaun doesn’t like them) and I make my own pizza.  In my bread machine as I am not a domestic goddess.  I’ll leave that to people called Nigella.  I do not simper and pout either.  Actually I do pout. I can sulk good.  Like my cat.  Last night my cat attacked me and she was concentrating so hard on attacking me she had her tongue sticking out and it was the funniest thing ever and I even laughed about it this morning when I remembered and it was a shame the camera wasn’t close to hand and my camera is going to need charging I think and I want to take it to Amanda’s 40th do tomorrow in Bromley where I’m going to see old schoolfriends that I haven’t seen since I left school 22 or 23 years ago.  I didn’t go to school much in the last couple of years.  I hated it and couldn’t wait to leave and left before the exams which means I don’t even have a CSE to my name but I’m not stupid, just uneducated.  In fact, I hardly know anything.  I can spell though and sometimes use punctuation but I like this stream of concsiousness thing.  It’s fun.  And a good way to practice typing.  Not that I need much practice.  100wpm.


  1. Good grief. I’m out of breath reading that! Very entertaining – you did it so well! 🙂

  2. Thanks Mrs Lemon!

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