99 Reasons Why by Caroline Smailes

99 REASONS99 Reasons Why by Caroline Smailes doesn’t have an ending. It has 9 of them. To choose your ending on a Kindle, you answer three questions. On an iPhone or iPad, you get a spinning wheel to play with that will choose an ending at random. After reading your chosen ending, you can read all the others.

In addition to these 9 endings, there are another two. One is below, and the other will be handwritten by Caroline and auctioned for charity.

I got to the questions on my Kindle late last night and wimped out of choosing my ending. It was like I was scared to choose the wrong one and give Kate (the character the book’s based around) a disservice. Kate’s got a fucked-up life (her mum spends most of the book calling Kate a filthy whore, but Kate thinks Princess Diana is her real mum anyway) and so while I didn’t want a happy ending for her (that seemed too unrealistic), I didn’t want her life to be any more fucked-up than it already is. I also didn’t rush to finish it as I loved the book so much, I didn’t want it to end, which is most unlike me as I’m usually in a hurry to finish one so I can start reading another.

I’m not going to tell you what ending I got, you’ll just have to buy the book for yourself and choose your own. The Kindle version is available at Amazon and the iBook version at iTunes. I could give you 99 reasons why you should buy this book but that would take too long, so just go and buy it, it’s brilliantly fucked-up and funny.

One of the endings from 99 Reasons Why

99: the reason why I was only worth ninety-nine quid

It’s been six days since the little girl in the pink coat went missing and me Uncle Phil’s in me bedroom.

We’ve been watching the little girl in the pink coat’s mam on the news. She was appealing to the public for witnesses.

‘Didn’t realise she had a mam,’ I says, looking at me telly.

‘Everyone’s got a mam, pet,’ me Uncle Phil says to me.

‘She sold her story to The Sun,’ I says, looking at me telly.

‘Got a few quid,’ me Uncle Phil says to me.

I nod.

‘She wanted nowt to do with that bairn before all this,’ me Uncle Phil says, looking at me telly.

‘Do you know where she is?’ I asks me Uncle Phil.

‘Belle?’ me Uncle Phil asks me.

I nod.

‘She’s safe,’ me Uncle Phil says to me. ‘Your mam’s keeping an eye on her.’

‘Can I be her mam?’ I asks me Uncle Phil.

‘No, pet, you’re a filthy whore,’ me Uncle Phil says to me.

I nod.

‘Can you make Andy Douglas come back, Uncle Phil?’ I asks me Uncle Phil.

Me Uncle Phil shakes his head.

‘I love him,’ I tell me Uncle Phil.

‘Andy Douglas is your brother, pet. You didn’t seriously think Princess Di was your mam, did you?’ me Uncle Phil asks me.

I nod.

‘You’re a cradle snatcher just like your mam,’ me Uncle Phil says to me.

I nod.

‘Your mam miscarried when she found out I’d been banging Betty Douglas. Betty was expecting you,’ me Uncle Phil says to me.

I don’t speak.

‘When you was born, your mam went mad and I ended up buying you from Betty Douglas for ninety-nine quid,’ me Uncle Phil says.

‘Ninety-nine quid?’ I asks me Uncle Phil.

‘I paid a hundred but got a quid change for some chips for your mam and dad’s tea,’ me Uncle Phil says to me.

‘You bought me?’ I asks me Uncle Phil.

I’m a little bit sick in me mouth.

‘It was the right thing to do,’ me Uncle Phil says to me. ‘I got Betty Douglas pregnant straight away with Andy.’

‘I’m pregnant,’ I says to me Uncle Phil. ‘I’m pregnant with me brother’s baby,’ I says, and then I throws up on me purple carpet.

‘You’re a filthy whore,’ me Uncle Phil says to me.

‘What am I going to do?’ I asks me Uncle Phil.

‘You’re going to have the baby,’ me Uncle Phil says to me.

‘Have me brother’s baby?’ I asks me Uncle Phil.

‘Then I’m giving it to Betty Douglas to bring up,’ me Uncle Phil says to me.

‘You what?’ I says to me Uncle Phil.

‘It’s the right thing to do,’ me Uncle Phil says to me.

‘I can’t—’ I says to me Uncle Phil.

‘It’s either that or I’ll make you disappear,’ me Uncle Phil says to me.

I don’t speak.

I’m thinking, they’re all a bunch of nutters.

Last Updated on 11 December 2020 by Cathy

2 Comments

  1. Hey Cathy, I know what you mean about being scared to choose the ‘wrong’ one! Although I knew it was coming, it isn’t until you’ve read the book, and invested in Kate – who’s as complex a mix of endearing/disturbing you can get – that you realise the enormity of being able to choose her fate. It didn’t feel the right one – for me – until I’d tried three, then I stopped. Caroline has indeed built a wonderful construct with her multiple endings that highlights the power/spell that a good writer holds over the reader.


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